I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
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Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Me too 😆
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.