Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
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My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.