If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
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Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.