me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
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“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
January has been Januweary
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
how it started vs how it ended
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.