What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
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Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”