Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
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Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
#Caturday
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.