ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
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If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Ummm
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
At least try to make it slightly believable
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.