Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
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Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Awwwww shit.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
WHY?!
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES