Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
You Might Also Like
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.