son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
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Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.