A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
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“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to