He was looking for a job and then he found a job
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Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”