Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
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Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
my mind
You just read my mind
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.