British people be like I’m Bri ish
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When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life