Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
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its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
good for her
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
my name if I was in the mob
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?