Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
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I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
He’s dead
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
honestly, i need both:
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️