when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
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Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?