“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
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They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
i can’t wait that long
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Is this a threat?
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage