We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
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kevin is now a local weatherman
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.