Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
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Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
They’re stuck in your pants?
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think