Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
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Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
i spent way too long on this
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny