Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
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[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Put this video in the Louvre
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
the dark web is just a goth google.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?