Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
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Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
a lot to unpack here
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.