Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
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I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
🙂🐾
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
✌🏽
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.