[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
You Might Also Like
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
TRAIN’S HERE
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Pizza is an emotion right?
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
My beach vacation Google searches
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college