my dog when i have a friend over
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Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.