I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
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Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.