Great Canadian literature.
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I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
They’re the worst 😩
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.