[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
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God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*