SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
You Might Also Like
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth