I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
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He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
just gave your address to some spiders
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic