Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
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I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]