I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
You Might Also Like
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
I’m putting together a team
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Word.
~ Microsoft.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.