Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
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1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
A roof is a house hat.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??