Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
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ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Awwwww shit.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.