Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
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Yes, this is exactly right
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Banking tips
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
How do dragons blow out candles?
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.