CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
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It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?