My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
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My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.