Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
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JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?