Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
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Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
A double negative is a big no-no.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?