“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
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My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.