Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
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People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human