This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
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[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!