There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
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Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
What a chick magnet..
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..