Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
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Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…