[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
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probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.