i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
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Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?