Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
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I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit