Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
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I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.