Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
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Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss